Sunday, March 1, 2009

Why People Cheat?

People enter into a relationship to get to know the other person, they enter into a commitment based on their love, and they seek happiness in life. Whether happiness revolves around marriage and kids or a significant other to spend life with. All relationships have problems. A couple married for 35 years did’t hit several bumps in the road. What makes their relationship last while others don’t? That is a tough question to answer because there are a lot of factors. Cheating on your spouse or significant other is just one factor in an unhappy relationship.

Why do people cheat? There are several reasons. The biggest is opportunity and unhappiness. Relationships are built on love, and sometimes two people forget to communicate causing unhappiness. When an opportunity comes along to talk with someone about our problems we usually do so. Does it always lead to cheating? No, not always.

First we should probably define cheating. Cheating can be going on a date with someone else while in a relationship, having sex with another individual, or a conversation the other is jealous of. An individual decides what their definition of cheating is. For the sake of this article we will concentrate on cheating as a sexual act.

Often those who cheat with a sexual act are two types of people. Those who pray on another’s needs to satisfy their own and those who didn’t not mean to cheat but circumstances evolved before anyone remembered to say no. Those who pray on another’s needs usually are out for a satisfying relationship in bed and don’t really wish for a more significant relationship. Married people often pose a safe avenue for those who don’t wish to be tied to an individual. Those who cheat as an accidental incident are guilty when it is over. It could be too much alcohol and an attraction to another individual that leads to the act or it could be so much pain that they seek some sort of release.

Some individuals who lose a child or other loved one may seek outside relationships from their marriage because they are no longer able to communicate the hurt to their partner. It could be a result of a marriage or relationship long over, but no one has the guts to say that it is over. It is hard to hurt a person we have loved or one we still love, but not the same as we once did.

Individuals who fall out of love may seek other relationships while still married because they need a fulfillment, but don’t want to hurt the other person. Of course this is faulty thinking because the other individual will be more hurt for the betrayal rather than the ending of the relationship. Why people cheat is still a mystery, to a large degree. Why we feel we should betray someone by cheating rather than ending a stale relationship is still left unanswered. We can have many excuses, but in the end they don’t matter as much as the pain caused.

'Problems in Relationships'

When problems happen in a relationship, teens may feel that it is overwhelmingly stressful. It is important to see relationships for what they truly are. For most people, they will be involved in several relationships before they find the one person that they will spend the rest of their lives with. A teenager may be told they are too young to be in love. However, a teenager can feel true love just as anyone can. Told that they can not be experiencing real love, is sometimes a sentence that one will say, attempting to convey the fact that teenager relationships may not be the ones that last for a lifetime. No one wants to accept the fact that the relationship may end. But, a person will usually have several relationships over the course of their life. It is a natural part of life and a necessary one. With each relationship, a person is learning; learning what is needed to maintain a relationship and how to deal with problems. Some problems can be overcome by having discussions with your partner and attempting to resolve them. If a problem is very serious, it may be wise to remove yourself from the situation.

Men’s sexual problems

Men, in general, talk about their sexual conquests but not their sexual concerns. They tend to keep up the strong male image, including the impression that they are fantastic in bed and that they have no problems (except they “can’t get enough”). Yet, males usually feel responsible for sex–for approaching the woman, arranging the place, skillfully handling the foreplay, and producing both orgasms. Moreover, too many macho males think sex is all that really matters in a relationship; sharing feelings and problems, being tender and caring, doing things together that she likes to do, getting to know each other deeply, etc. are seen too often as silly women’s stuff. These men just don’t get it: good loving is not in the penis, it is in the heart and the mind. If sex were just coming to a climax, then we’d just masturbate. Sex is a mental-interpersonal process, not just a brief physical act. With males having all these responsibilities, misconceptions, and sexist attitudes, the truth is men have a lot of sexual problems.

Lack of sexual interest

A few people experience very little sexual drive, even in new romantic relationships. But most of us are obsessed with sex in the early infatuation stages of a relationship. We eagerly spend hours every day touching, kissing, holding, fondling, and sexually arousing our new love. Yet, after a few years, the burning interest wanes. Sex becomes routine. Why? We don’t understand it, but it happens to all of us to some extent, e.g. the frequency of intercourse declines from once a day (for a short while) to once a week years later. It is an expected transformation. The change is so gradual we hardly notice it. Suddenly we realize that the person who once drove us crazy can undress in front of us and we hardly notice. Some people go for weeks without wanting sex, some reject their partner’s advances.

Part of the problem is that many of us think everyone else (except our parents and the other “old folks”) is having hot sex every night, and probably “getting some” on the side as well. Thinking that way, we may feel we are not as sexual as others. However, a recent objective survey (Michael, Gagnon, Laumann & Kolata, 1994) found that less than 8% of us are having sex more than four times a week. Two thirds of us have sex “a few times” per month or less. The remaining 30% of us have sex only a few times a year or less. So, Americans aren’t as sexually obsessed as we may think.

Inhibited sexual desire is the most common sexual problem, about 50% of all long-term relationships have a partner who lacks interest. In 15-20% of the cases of serious loss of interest there are physical causes, so check this out with a medical specialist. For instance, in menopausal women the lack of androgens causes a loss of sex drive so estrogen-androgen therapy is needed. Also, when men have trouble getting or keeping an erection, which could certainly cause a lack of interest, almost half the time there is a physical health factor or cause. If sex is not enjoyable because a climax can not be reached (see later discussion), intercourse may be avoided. Much of the time, however, the simple lack of interest is caused by psychological factors: depression, feeling up tight, fear of pregnancy, stress at work, feeling unattractive, fear of intimacy, anger towards the partner, a power struggle with the partner, old beliefs about sex being dirty, traumatic experiences, guilt about extramarital interests, a fear of not being able to perform sexually or, most commonly, “feeling tired” (Knox, 1984; Masters, Johnson & Kolodny, 1985). Several sex therapists have described ways of solving the problem of low sex drive or “inhibited sexual desire” (Kaplan, 1995–rather clinical and treatment oriented; Covington, 1992; Knopf & Seiler, 1991; Williams, 1988). Here is a summary of the suggestions.

If sex has just become boring, spice it up and make a production out of it. Once a week go out to dinner, go dancing, go to a comedy club, with the clearly stated intention of being seductively romantic and then coming home with plenty of time to make love. At other times when you are just at home, get showered and dressed in sexy outfits before going to bed–and spend some time smooching before intercourse. Try having sex in different places or at different times, perhaps in the morning or right after exercising. Give each other a bath and/or full body massages. Read together a book about sexual techniques, then talk, as needed, about how your sexual enjoyment can be increased. Look at each other during sex play and tell your partner how wonderful it feels and looks as you are making love and climaxing. Talk, talk, talk, until someone says “let’s not talk so much” and kisses you. Learn to enjoy this fantastic “gift” of life.

Obviously, some of the time, a personal-interpersonal problem will have to be solved before the sexual juices can flow naturally. If there is friction between two people, usually the sex drive immediately drops but it will automatically reappear as soon as the conflicts are resolved. Talk to each other about minor irritations as well as major problems. It has been shown that relationship therapy can improve a couple’s sex life and sex therapy can improve their relationship. See the discussion above for improving the marriage.

When a couple are miffed at each other, males and females often have differing notions about how to get emotionally back together (Bergner & Bergner, 1990). 35% of males think making love is the best way to make up (65% of women strongly disagree). This disagreement reflects, in part, how the sexes view intercourse. Males see sex as a way to establish a positive love relationship, e.g. early in a courtship the male will say, “don’t just tell me you love me, show me by having sex!” Sex proves to him that she likes him. A female knows sex doesn’t prove he loves her, so she wants to be chosen, valued, wooed, and loved first, usually by talking, touching, and doing things together, before having sex which to her only confirms an already established love. Otherwise, she may feel sexually “used” (”he’s only interested in sex”). So, after being miffed, the wife may reject her husband’s sexual advances (his way of making up), resulting in his seeing her as asexual, cold, and sexually manipulative (”you have to be nice to me first”). They are at an impasse unless they see what is going on and both give in, namely, he should verbally and in non-sexual ways express his affection and willingness to “straighten things out.” She should try to understand and accept his interest in sex as a sign that he wants to re-establish a warm, loving relationship.

Hajcak and Garwood (1987) believe that sex is frequently undertaken (without conscious awareness) to satisfy some other need, such as loneliness (”no matter how many people I go to bed with, I still feel lonely”), affection, intimate sharing of feelings, reassurance of being loved, escape from sadness or boredom, and maybe even to express anger. If sex doesn’t meet those other needs, then for such people, sex isn’t achieving its purpose and they come to believe their sexual relations are poor. These authors try to help people meet the other needs in more appropriate ways–or at least get the other needs out of the bedroom. Good sex only meets our sexual needs, not curiosity or achievement needs and perhaps not even loneliness or intimacy needs. We have to discover and deal with the underlying extraneous needs we are trying to meet by having sex .

Other interpersonal reasons why sexual interest is low include this kind of thinking: “he/she has more (or fewer) sexual needs than I have, so I’ll let him/her decide when we’ll have sex,” “he/she turned me down last time, I didn’t like that, so I’ll just wait,” or “I’m tense and not very horny, I don’t want to give him/her the impression I’m interested.” When these kinds of inhibitions have been openly disclosed and discussed, the sexual drive–of moderate strength–will probably return.

Probably the most common device for increasing sexual zest is the VCR and adult films. This is apparently effective and enjoyable stimulation for many people. But some people prefer their partner become interested in and sexually excited by watching (and interacting with) them rather than someone else on tape. Moreover, if a person is already unhappy with his/her body or insecure about his/her love making, watching beautiful, well endowed people making (or faking) wildly passionate love, could increase his/her self-criticism and inhibition. Each person has to figure out what turns him/her on; then compromises have to be made with the partner.

Besides improving the relationship, having stimulating sexual thoughts, and reducing the negative emotions, the self-helper with a low sex drive should concentrate on re-learning how to enjoy sex, so he/she will have an increased interest in sex. Usually a method called “sensate focus” is used by sex therapists. This involves getting undressed with your partner, which can be sexy itself, but refraining from touching his/her genitals or breasts, thus, removing the pressure to perform sexually. While nude, each person lovingly touches and is touched, savoring the sensations (note: you aren’t attempting to sexually arouse the partner). In fact, sex isn’t permitted during the first few sessions of this exercise. In the next phase (a few hours or sessions later), the breasts and genitals are included and touched. Each partner must show the other what feels good by guiding their partner’s hands. Intercourse is still prohibited. In the final stage, the massaging and fondling leads up to the woman getting on top and playing with the penis, guiding it to, around, and away from her clitoris and vagina. The idea is to focus on and enjoy the sexual sensations but remain comfortable and without any pressure to perform. Eventually, intercourse occurs naturally.

'Sex and Emotions'

Sex is not just a physical act to relive sexual tension. Having sex can cause very strong emotions. Sometimes a teenager may only realize this after having sex. It is for this reason that teenagers should carefully think about the consequences of having sex well before they actually do it. Sexual intercourse is the most intimate thing that two people can do. When having sex, it is said that two bodies become one. Sex can cause strong feelings for both people; and females will most likely feel this strongest. A female teen should carefully think about the possibility of having sex, because once she does, it can not be erased. If her partner is not mature enough to handle the emotions that will occur, she may find she will dearly regret her decision. Sex can lead a person to feel that they are in love, or it can make the feelings of love stronger; a person should be sure a relationship is lasting before having sex. A person should be sure that they can handle the emotions of sex and the responsibilities of sex before they have intercourse. Sex can be a wonderful thing; but there is no rush.

'Kissing and Etc.'

When two people like each other more than as friends and are attracted to each other it is quite natural to have desire to kiss. Kissing can seem intimidating the first time that someone engages in kissing, but one will find that it is not difficult at all. When a person wishes to kiss another, they may simply kiss their partner’s cheek and see if there is a positive reaction. Once kissing begins, it can be light kisses on the lips or it can involve French kissing. French kissing is a popular way of kissing in which both people use their tongues as well as their lips. This type of kissing can lead a person to experience strong feelings of desiring sex. Care should be taken when heavy kissing occurs. If a couple is not ready to have sex, they should take breaks from kissing; allowing both people to calm down. Kissing can also involve touching each other on various parts of the body. People who are not emotionally ready to have sex or do not have proper protection should take care to only touch in areas that will not lead to overwhelming desires for sexual intercourse.


A teenager should not feel embarrassed that they have very strong sexual desires at times. For some teenagers, these feelings can be overwhelming strong; taking up all of their thoughts, and this is completely natural. As a teenager is experiencing huge hormonal changes, as their bodies are slowly turning from teenagers into men and women, this is quite natural. Along with these strong sexual thoughts, comes the urge to masturbate. Masturbation, of course, is a private issue but a teenager should know that desires to masturbate are normal and natural. A teen should not feel guilty to perform this act; it can offer relief from intense sexual thoughts. It can also prolong a teen from engaging in sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse should be saved for when both partners are emotionally mature enough to handle all of the feelings and issues that go along with sex.

Short version of the interview with Drugsline Chabad

1. How were you introduced to drugs?

LP: The first drug I was introduced to was cannabis, whilst I was at school, my peers was smoking cannabis and that wasI how I got introduced to it, just people at school.

DG: The same for me the first drug I was introduced to was cannabis at school, one of my friends brought it in they got it off their brother, however we didn’t have a clue how to use it, and we actually ended up eating around about of an eight of the drug and basically we were physically sick and decided that we would never do anything like that again. However four weeks later with another friend brought it in and said he got some of his cousin and he said that he had kind of been smoking it for a while now, we were quite shocked that he said smoking it because we didn’t know anything, I had never even seen rizla’s until that day and so once again even though what had happened to us a few weeks before we smoked it this time and obviously the effects were very different and I became addicted very quickly.

2. How old were you when your first took drugs?

DG: I was about fourteen but for me I actually started taking drugs prescribed by the doctor for food suppressants because my addiction started before I was started taking drugs because I was addicted to food at 13 yrs old to change the way I felt because I was being labelled at school as being at and didn’t have friends which made me feel very insecure and different so I started eating and for me I realize now that that was my first addiction before drugs. So food suppressants were first addiction and first drugs I was on because I was taken them willy-nilly.

3. What effect did your get from the drugs you took?

DG: There are so many different effects from the so many different drugs I have taken there isn’t really the time to go into all of them. I will run through the most commonly used ones Cannabis: for me what it did was it made me relax, it made me forget that I felt different, that I felt overweight. Cannabis helped me forget who I was and become somebody I wasn’t. Cannabis gives you a false sense of security I hear a lot of people say cannabis gives me confidence in the same way alcoholics say alcohol gives me confidence, but what I realize today is that it wasn’t actually giving me confidence it was making me I not somebody I wasn’t. `I was losing sight of myself and becoming this other person who was I suppose more confident however my morals were going down my faiths and beliefs and some of the things I did whilst smoking cannabis were just as bad as the things I did when I became a Heroin addict.
Physically I have not been badly affected but I do know other people that have trouble breathing now because cannabis is smoked and smoking is our most dangerous drug in this country. It kills 300 people per day in this country.


DG: I took Ecstasy because of all of my friends were doing it. I was quite a late starter, I started taking it when I was nineteen whereas most of my friends took it at about sixteen. What ecstasy did for me again I would take it when I went to parties and clubs and the effects I got from Ecstasy was it made me feel I was in love with everybody that’s the only way I can describe it, it made me feel that everybody was my friend, so much so that the dangers of it were I’d be sitting there talking to somebody thinking that they were my friend and then realizing that I had never meet this person before didn’t know what they looked like and quite frankly I could have gone home with them and anything could have happened, because I felt such a loving feeling from the drug that everybody was OK. I witnessed an experience when one of my mates threw up on somebody, who was clearly on ecstasy, he had been sick all over the front of this guy in a club, and the guy turned around to him and said, “No that’s alright mate don’t worry about it, its no big deal”. Now if some guy had been sick all over me, I certainly would not have stood there and said “Its no big deal don’t worry about it”. This is example is just one way of describing what it feels like to be high on Ecstasy.

DG: If we move on to the latter stage of my addiction and we talk about the effects of Heroin and the Crack, I can’t tell you of any pleasant experiences I had from them because there is none. By then I was using drugs to totally escape from reality forgot all the stealing and lying and cheating I was doing, forget the people I was hurting around me, forget that I was in and out of prison, forget that my friends had all long since departed from me now and I was on my own, living in squats putting needles into my arms, and consequences go on and on and on.